Emily Richardson's Request (31 Aug 2017)

Hey my name is Emily. I'm taking Dr. Bruce's English 1101 class and we are required to take at least one tutoring session this semester. Our first essay is supposed to be a critique of any restaurant we want to visit. I'm a non-traditional student and a bit out of practice with writing and I'd love some feedback on this essay to make sure it'll be OK for his class and hopefully get a good grade. I've heard he's a hard grader. Thanks for the help! Emily
ENGL 1101

submitted: Aug 31, 2017
responded: Aug 31, 2017
  • method: email
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  • Maria Batty (admin)
    Aug. 31, 2017, 2:44 p.m.

    Hi, Emily-- I replied to your essay through the old OWL email system, but here are the comments I made: Get in the habit of using the Oxford (or serial) comma: the comma before the "and" in a list of three or more. Journalistic style does not use this comma, so you don't see it in newspapers or magazines, but academic writing does require it. It looks as though you have a run-on sentence at the end of paragraph 2. If the three patrons are the subject of a new independent clause, you need punctuation to indicate that (period or semi-colon). If they are the subject of a dependent clause describing the game that you were watching, include the "that" before "three players" to make that relationship clear. Remember not to use 2nd person ("you") even if you are permitted to use 1st person. I recommend using the search function to double-check because it is easy for a "you" to slip through. I hope they help. Please feel free to contact us again. Thanks! Please take a moment to copy and paste this link into your browser and complete our survey: https://gsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9FeyIaru1GknzPD Good luck with your assignment!

    Discussion:
    Aug. 31, 2017, 3:21 p.m. - Emily Richardson

    Hey Maria, thank you for your response. Now that I've corrected those errors what else could I change about the essay?

    Sept. 3, 2017, 2:34 p.m. - Maria Batty

    Watch your use of contractions (it's, wasn't)--you shouldn't use them at all in formal academic writing. Your thesis statement mentions your main discussion points (d├ęcor, tacos, cocktails), so that's good. You use lots of adjectives, so that's good for a descriptive essay. At the end, when you say the charm, feel, and welcoming environment "were easily highlighted," I think you mean they were "highlights"--not that they were lit up or neon yellow. Read and reread--that always improves a paper!

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