Ivana Olivo's Request (19 Sep 2018)

It is required in my course of English 1102 that one of our essays be reviewed by a tutor, therefore I'd like my essay to critiqued with the biggest problems being discussed. Thank you!
ENGL 1102

submitted: Sep 19, 2018
responded: Sep 19, 2018
  • method: email
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  • Maria Batty (admin)
    Sept. 19, 2018, 10:49 a.m.

    Dear Ivana, Thank you for sending your essay to Athena. Clearly you worked hard on it, and I have only a few comments. First, the last two sentences in your introduction are a bit repetitive. Consider making them one sentence, and adding a thesis statement that provides an essay map mentioning imagery, acting, and script (or writing). You mention them all again in your conclusion, so that’s good, but you ought to mention them in the same order as they were mentioned in the thesis and body paragraphs. Notice also that you slip into 2nd person (“you”) at the very end. It might be ok in this assignment because you’re writing for someone who might want to see the movie, but generally in your formal academic writing you should not address your reader directly. Also in the intro, the preposition for the verb “center” is “on,” not “around.” Things center on an object, but they revolve around an object. For example, the Earth revolves around the Sun, but its orbit centers on the Sun (meaning the Sun is its center). This may seem a tiny point, but good writers (which clearly you are) pay careful attention to precise meanings and usage. The beginning of your second paragraph has an error of subject-verb agreement. The verb for “imagery and cinematography” should be “expose,” not “exposes.” There’s another sneaky one in the sentence that starts “The fast paced editing of the film paired with…” “Paired with” is not the same as “and”: Your subject is the singular “editing,” so it “makes for a controlled chaos.” The relationship would be clearer if you enclosed the interrupting phrase “paired with … animation” in commas. Then if you lifted out the interruption, you would see your sentence is really “editing makes.” By the way, in this paragraph you call the plot “unusual and unexpected,” but in the intro you refer to “the generic story.” You might want to address this apparent contradiction (“what might have been a generic story” or “an often generic story,” something like that). You are missing a word in the first sentence of your conclusion. If you read your paper aloud (which you should always do to proofread—or at least move your lips), you will notice it. I hope you find these comments helpful. If you don't understand how to organize your paper around a thesis statement or how to recognize and correct the types of errors I’ve mentioned, come into a lab to work with a tutor face to face, or post specific questions here on Athena. Also, handouts are available at https://success.students.gsu.edu/ltc. Click on Handouts on the left, and then Grammar and Writing Handouts. Good luck! If you have a moment, please cut and paste this address into your browser, and take our survey. Thanks! https://gsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6hzzM9kX7sy9aJf

    Discussion:
    Sept. 19, 2018, 11:45 a.m. - Ivana Olivo

    Thank you so much! I will be sure to edit my essay based on these corrections.

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