Tasha Bigby's Request (16 Nov 2018)

I want a tutor to read over my essay's first draft and point out if my thesis is evident in my argumentive essay. Can you see what side I support? Are my topic sentences of each paragraph linked to the argument?
ENGL 1102

submitted: Nov 16, 2018
responded: Nov 16, 2018
  • method: email
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  • Tasha Bigby (student)
    Nov. 16, 2018, 12:41 p.m.

    I'm sorry, I know I didn't indent, space my paragraphs, title it, or separated my work cited page. I just want some feedback on what I'm saying about the Kalle Siekkinen's 2015 Ponchatoula Strawberry Festival poster being offensive to black people. Thank you.

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  • Maria Batty (admin)
    Nov. 16, 2018, 1:48 p.m.

    Dear Tasha, Thank you for sending your essay to Athena. Your position is clear, but your thesis statement is not. You should discuss your reasons in the order you present them, but your first two body paragraphs are both about degrading or dehumanizing black children. If the “pickaninnies” paragraph is meant to be the stereotype discussion, it should have the word “stereotype” in the topic sentence, and you should switch the order of the paragraphs or the order of the topics in the thesis statement. “A solemn remembrance of slavery” is not offensive or racist. Perhaps you should rephrase that thesis point. Don’t ask questions; make statements. Your in-text citations should not have the authors’ first names in them. Don’t have one sentence after another with citations; you should have your own sentences in between. (Make a “quote sandwich”: your statement, a quote supporting it, and another statement from you.) Discuss historical events in past tense: The poster depicts children (present tense because it always depicts them), but the festival committee made a controversial choice (past tense because the event happened in the past). I hope you find these comments helpful. If you don't understand how to organize your paper around a thesis statement or how to recognize and correct the types of errors I’ve mentioned, come into a lab to work with a tutor face to face, or post specific questions here on Athena. Also, handouts are available at https://success.students.gsu.edu/ltc. Click on Handouts on the left, and then Grammar and Writing Handouts. Good luck! If you have a moment, please cut and paste this address into your browser, and take our survey. Thanks! https://gsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6hzzM9kX7sy9aJf

    Nov. 26, 2018, 1:08 p.m. - Tasha Bigby

    Thank you very much, Maria.

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