Sydney Martinez's Request (27 Nov 2018)

May you please assist me with Feedback? I have created a rough draft for my final essay. I would love to know your thoughts, where I may need improvement and I would truly love for anyone to assist with an amazing conclusion for why credit is a 'needed want,' for this is the entire argument of my paper. Do you feel this is the best argumentative essay? Why or why not.
ENGL 1101

submitted: Nov 27, 2018
responded: Nov 27, 2018
  • method: email
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  • Maria Batty (admin)
    Nov. 27, 2018, 5:26 p.m.

    Dear Sydney, Thank you for sending your essay to Athena. I’m not sure what you mean by a “needed want,” and I can’t write your conclusion. There is no “best argumentative essay.” However, you are not taking a formal academic tone in this paper: You should not use 1st or 2nd person or contractions. You should avoid passive constructions such as “it can be argued.” You’re confusing the terms “borrow” and “burrow.” “Change cards” is not a thing. When you talk about “good or bad” credit, do you mean the creditworthiness of an individual or the goodness or badness of credit itself? That discussion seems rather jumbled. “Hypothetically” is not a synonym for “realistically.” What does this mean: “Money accumulates for bank or mortgage lenders in exchange for loan seekers”? What makes you think that “salaries across the United States are intentionally fixed”? Where did you find that information? It certainly needs to be cited. You shouldn’t conclude with statistics. Why is everything centered? I hope you find these comments helpful. If you don't understand how to organize your paper around a thesis statement or how to recognize and correct the types of errors I’ve mentioned, come into a lab to work with a tutor face to face, or post specific questions here on Athena. Also, handouts are available at Click on Handouts on the left, and then Grammar and Writing Handouts. Good luck! If you have a moment, please cut and paste this address into your browser, and take our survey. Thanks!

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