Leigh Norsworthy's Request (03 Dec 2018)

Can you please look over my essay and give me a little bit of feedback? Thank you, Leigh Norsworthys
ENGL 1101

submitted: Dec 03, 2018
responded: Dec 03, 2018
  • method: email
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  • Maria Batty (admin)
    Dec. 3, 2018, 1:12 p.m.

    Dear Leigh, Thank you for sending your essay to Athena. Unless your professor specifically said not to, you should write a thesis statement that provides an essay map, and it should be the last sentence of your introduction. Also, you should not start or end paragraphs with quotes or paraphrases. You should write a “quote sandwich”: your sentence, a quote that supports you, and another sentence by you that shows how the quote supports you. Your first body paragraph needs to be better developed. You say elementary school children already know what’s healthy and what’s not, so what happens between 1st grade and adolescence, and how would education prevent it? Your second body paragraph also needs to be better developed. It’s too short, and it refers to mental health issues that you never discussed. You should go into more detail about the physical effects. Your next body paragraph mentions 8 disorders, but you only discuss 3. Is this your sentence or someone else’s?: “This is most likely from not engaging in behaviors as frequently as someone with a clinical eating disorder would.” I ask because I wonder if diagnosis is a function of frequency or incapacitation. You should explain that. You should proofread your paper carefully to catch errors like this: “In order to effectively implement an education program without doing more harm than good is to create a curriculum…” (The “sentence” has no subject.) A good technique is to read aloud or to move your lips while reading silently: You will find more errors that way. I hope you find these comments helpful. If you don't understand how to organize your paper around a thesis statement or how to recognize and correct the types of errors I’ve mentioned, come into a lab to work with a tutor face to face, or post specific questions here on Athena. Also, handouts are available at https://success.students.gsu.edu/ltc. Click on Handouts on the left, and then Grammar and Writing Handouts. Good luck! If you have a moment, please cut and paste this address into your browser, and take our survey. Thanks! https://gsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6hzzM9kX7sy9aJf

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