Thank you for sending your essay to Athena. You don’t include the professor’s instructions, so I can’t be sure you are answering the prompt, but generally formal academic writing does not allow 1st or 2nd person, and you use both. You should make sure your professor permits their use, or else rephrase everything into 3rd person.
You have many grammatical errors, such as fragments, dangling modifiers, subject-verb agreement, and faulty predication. For example: “However, research shows that kids using too much technical devices are causing them to have Attention Deficit Disorder and anxiety, damage vision, and obesity.” “Much” should be “many” (because devices are countable); “are” should be “is” (because the subject of that verb is the gerund “using,” not “kids”), and “kids” should be possessive “kids’” (because it modifies the noun “using”—it is not acting as a noun itself).
Read your paper carefully. Avoid passive voice (“can be caused”; “is stated to make”). Are toddlers really posting online? People use their frontal lobe all the time, not just in fast-paced situations, and it regulates emotional expression, not simply emotions (that’s more the limbic system, I think).
A URL does not suffice for a Works Cited entry. Refer to our MLA handouts to see how to write MLA citations (the address is below).
I hope you find these comments helpful. If you don't understand how to recognize and correct the types of errors I’ve mentioned, come into a lab to work with a tutor face to face (we have locations), or post specific questions here on Athena. Also, handouts are available at https://success.students.gsu.edu/ltc. Click on Handouts on the left, and then Grammar and Writing Handouts. Good luck! If you have a moment, please cut and paste this address into your browser, and take our survey. Thanks! https://gsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6hzzM9kX7sy9aJf
Maria Batty (admin)
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