Breana Smith's Request (23 Apr 2019)

I want to know if my thesis is clear and if my essay is easy to understand. I get lost in free writing most of the time and it reflects in my grade. Also, I am having a small problem with the works cited page. Did I do it correctly?
ENGL 1101

submitted: Apr 23, 2019
responded: Apr 23, 2019
  • method: email
1 Comment:
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  • Maria Batty (admin)
    April 23, 2019, 5:34 p.m.

    Dear Breana, Thank you for sending your essay to Athena. The last sentence in the introductory paragraph should be your thesis statement, laying out the essay map. Your last sentence doesn’t do that, so you need to add one, based on each of your paragraph topics. Something like this: “There are many types of bullying, and all have serious effects; because bullying is often part of a cycle, it is important for adults to intervene when they see bullying.” See how that lays out everything you’re going to talk about? That’s the essay map. Don’t cut and paste it, but write something along those lines. Your Works Cited page isn’t correct; you can’t just list URLs (also, the title shouldn’t be all caps). Here is an example of how to do one of them: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. “Effects of Bullying.”, 12 Sept. 2017, It should have a hanging indent, and the website should be in italics (I’m not sure the formatting shows here). I’ve attached a handout on MLA 8 format. I see quotes with no in-text citation: That’s a problem. And I don’t see in-text citations for all your Works Cited. Each source has to appear at least once in text and then on the Works Cited. Watch your pronoun-antecedent agreement. You switch a lot between singular and plural (a bully, they), and that’s not OK. Also, you slip into 1st person in your very last sentence: Don’t do that. I hope you find these comments helpful. If you don't understand how to organize your paper around a thesis statement or how to recognize and correct the types of errors I’ve mentioned, come into a lab to work with a tutor face to face (we have five locations), or post specific questions here on Athena. Also, handouts are available at Click on Handouts on the left, and then Grammar and Writing Handouts. Good luck! If you have a moment, please cut and paste this address into your browser, and take our survey. Thanks!

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